Episode 95. Inner Authority vs. External Approval: The Real Work of Self-Leadership
The Inner Briefing Podcast
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Episode Description:
Why do we work so hard to control how someone else sees us?
Where does the fear of being misunderstood come from?
And what happens when we finally stop auditioning for approval?
In today’s episode, I share a story from a client session that opens the door to a much bigger conversation about self-worth, nervous system safety, and the patterns we inherit from childhood.
We’ll explore how to recognize the subtle ways we manage other people’s emotions — and how to step into a grounded, confident place where we allow people to have their reactions while staying rooted in ourselves.
If you’re ready to reclaim your energy, this episode is for you.
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Outline/Transcript:
[INTRO]
I had a client say something to me recently that stopped me right in my tracks.
She said, “I don’t want him to think negative opinions about me… and I don’t have the mental fortitude to fight that right now.”
And listen… I felt that.
Not because it’s true — but because it’s familiar.
Because so many of us have lived entire chapters of our lives inside that sentence.
Trying to manage other people’s thoughts.
Trying to pre-empt their emotional reactions.
Trying to be interpreted “correctly”… so we can feel safe.
But here’s the truth no one really teaches us:
It’s not your job to manage someone else’s inner world. It isn’t.
And it was never supposed to be.
Today’s Inner Briefing is about exactly that —
how we stop trying to convince people of our value,
and start observing whether they are worthy of our energy.
Let’s get into it.
[…]
OK – what do I mean when I say “It’s not your job to manage someone else’s inner world”
What does it mean to manage someone else’s thoughts or emotions?
You might be like “no I don’t do that.” So let’s talk about it. I’m going to give you 10 examples of managing other people’s thoughts, feelings, emotions, and/or inner world.
Over explaining to avoid misinterpretation:
Someone gives a simple piece of feedback and you immediately go into a 5-minute explanation of your intentions.
You defend things no one is attacking.
You add disclaimers to every statement.
What it feels like:
Could feel like a tightness in the chest, like “they’re getting the wrong idea” or “I don’t think they get what I’m saying.” or “did I say that the right way?”
Pressure to correct the narrative
Anxiety that misunderstanding = disconnection
2. Editing or Softening Yourself to Keep the Peace
What it looks like:
Saying “it’s fine” when it’s not.
Minimizing your needs because you don’t want to “burden” someone.
Avoiding bringing up concerns because you don’t want them to be upset.
What it feels like:
Emotional contraction in the belly or throat.
A sense of walking on eggshells.
Relief mixed with resentment when you avoid the hard conversation.
3. Apologizing Even When You Did Nothing Wrong
What it looks like:
“Sorry, I just thought…”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you…”
Apologizing for taking up space, asking a question, or having a preference.
What it feels like:
A reflexive drop into smallness.
A belief that your existence can create inconvenience.
Wanting the other person’s emotional state to stabilize so you can relax.
4. Taking Responsibility for Someone Else’s Mood or Reaction
What it looks like:
They seem quiet → you assume you caused it.
They look annoyed → you start replaying everything you said.
You immediately jump to “Did I do something wrong?”
What it feels like:
A spike of vigilance.
Hyper-awareness of micro-expressions.
Anxiety that their feelings are your fault.
Panic
5. Trying to “Pre-Manage” Their Interpretation
What it looks like:
Crafting texts carefully so they don’t misread your tone.
Rehearsing conversations in your head.
Choosing your words based on how they might react—not on what you actually mean.
What it feels like:
Draining mental effort.
Fear of being “taken the wrong way.”
A sense of performing rather than expressing.
Anxiety
6. Avoiding Saying No Because It Might Cause Disappointment
What it looks like:
Saying yes to things you don’t want to do.
Overcommitting to avoid the discomfort of someone else’s reaction.
Agreeing so they don’t feel let down.
What it feels like:
A heavy exhale right after saying yes.
Immediate regret followed by self-blame.
Feeling resentful but also responsible for their comfort.
From Cristian: The initial yes is an excitement of “I made this person happy and I didn’t disappoint them. And they like me now. And I’ve won their approval.” Then what happens is that I actually look at my plate and I’m like “shit I dont have time for that.” Then I chip away at myself and there is only so much that you can chip away at before that nice piece of marble is just a stub and you are like “who the fuck am i?”
7. Rushing to Fix Their Feelings
What it looks like:
They’re sad → you rush in with solutions.
They’re annoyed → you try to cheer them up.
They’re overwhelmed → you drop everything to stabilize them.
What it feels like:
Urgency.
Discomfort seeing someone upset.
Belief that their emotional dysregulation equals danger.
Notes from Cristian: The state of cordiality or “normalcy” is a state of a thick highlighter of safety. “What do I got to do to get this person back to this feeling that makes ME feel stable.” A smile from someone else will offset the discomfort that I have.
8. Feeling Distress When Someone Has the “Wrong” Opinion About You
What it looks like:
Trying to correct the narrative.
Wanting to have a long talk so they “get it.”
Convincing them you’re a good person, a good partner, a good friend.
What it feels like:
Identity threat.
A sinking feeling in the stomach.
“If they think poorly of me, something bad will happen.”
9. Avoiding Bringing Your True Self Online
What it looks like:
Not sharing your real ideas.
Being overly diplomatic.
Being “the palatable version” of yourself.
What it feels like:
Internal muting.
Fading rather than expanding.
Safety over authenticity.
Notes from Cristian: “Having different versions of self that I manage.” Work me will surface pieces of my authenticity but never my authenticity in my entirety. Vs. Friends – a version of me where they will see a lot of me but I will keep a portion of work Cristian away from them and home Cristian away from them and it’s because I don’t necessarily trust full vulnerability with people.
Note: Sales roles. “Providing consistency” It is hard to expose authenticity outside of what youre comfortable managing outside of that franchise. You become so aware of how people receive.
10. Feeling Overly Responsible for the Energy in the Room
What it looks like:
Managing everyone’s emotional temperature.
Being the “glue” or the “buffer.”
Intervening at the slightest sign of tension.
What it feels like:
Exhaustion.
Hyper-attunement.
Feeling like the emotional success of the moment depends on you.
Would go into entertainment mode - Cristian (let me reel everyone back in and shatter the tension and then I take credit in my mind, of “now I’ve brought everyone back and we can keep going.”)
You’re likely trying to manage someone’s thoughts or emotions when:
You’re trying to prevent their discomfort.
You’re trying to protect their perception of you.
You’re adjusting yourself instead of allowing your truth to be seen.
Your nervous system feels responsible for the emotional climate.
You feel unsafe unless they’re emotionally okay.
Does any of this resonate for you? If yes, amazing – you are not alone, not even close. And!
_____
When you feel that pull to manage someone else’s thoughts or emotions, it’s not because you’re weak. It’s not because you lack confidence or clarity.
It’s because your nervous system learned, a long time ago, that your safety depended on other people’s reactions.
For many of us, this started in childhood:
When the adults around us were unpredictable
When peace had to be maintained, or we felt like we needed to maintain the peace
When approval was the currency of love, or when we equated approval with love
When being “good,” “easy,” or “helpful” kept us connected, specifically to our caregivers
When we experienced conflict as dangerous or irrepairable
And so the body formed this equation:
“If they feel good, I’m safe.
If they feel bad, something bad is coming, or I’m in danger.”
BTW if you were the child of an alcoholic parent, a narcissistic parent, an unstable or unreliable or inconsistent parent, or mentally unwell parent – you likely formed this equation. “If they feel good, I’m safe. If they feel bad, something bad is going to happen.”
That’s not logic — that’s survival.
So, no wonder it feels exhausting.
And btw, our parents did the best that they could. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t our responsibility to meet ourselves today.
And the thing is, we grow up, but the pattern keeps living inside us.
We meet a partner, a friend, a boss — anyone whose opinions matter — and suddenly we’re 8 years old again, scanning the environment, making sure no one is upset.
The impulse to control their perception is an attempt to control our sense of safety.
But here’s the thing:
As adults, our safety no longer depends on someone else’s mood or interpretation.
We just haven’t updated the internal software yet.
And the thing is – trying to control someone’s internal world is like trying to hold the ocean still.
You can burn all your energy in the attempt
and still fail.
When we are in this pattern, we:
over-explain
defend
justify
tiptoe
shrink
try to be "good" or "easy", or “cool guy” or “cool girl”
We lose ourselves in the relationship
And what we are doing is confusing being understood with being valued.
And that’s where the shift begins. Because in that performance of trying to be understood or trying to manage someone else’s perception, we rarely ask the most important question, which is:
“Is this person actually capable of relating to me in the way I need and deserve?”
When we are in a fawn or appease pattern we tend to not evaluate the other person — because our energy is entirely consumed by trying to be acceptable.
This is what burns us out.
Not the person.
Not the relationship.
But the performance – the attempt to control.
So the key is to shift away from “How do I get them to approve of me?” into “Does this person have the emotional maturity, relational skill, and integrity to be in close proximity to me?”
Which introduces the moment in your self-leadership where you decide:
I’m done proving my worth.
Now, I’m evaluating yours.
This isn’t about superiority.
It’s about sovereignty.
It’s when you stop asking,
“What do they think of me?”
and you start asking,
“What does their behavior reveal about them?”
You notice and you ask yourself questions like:
How do I feel in my body when I’m around them?
Do they expand me or contract me?
Can this person handle conflict without collapsing or attacking?
Are they emotionally mature enough to look at their own reactions?
Is this someone I want to invest my time, my softness, my energy into? Do they even deserve that?
These questions shift you from hyper-vigilance to discernment. From emotional outsourcing to emotional sovereignty.
This is the upgrade.
When my client said, “I don’t want him to think negative opinions about me” — what she was really saying is:
“If he misinterprets me, I don’t trust that I’ll be okay.”
And so we explored something together that I want to offer to you as well:
“You don't have to prevent anyone’s negative judgments. Because it’s not your job to manage someone else’s thoughts, feelings, perception or understanding of you. But what is your job is to keep yourself safe, to ensure that you are loved, held tenderly, and placing yourself in the right relationships and environments accordingly so that YOU know that you have your back, so that you can grow and open to the world, and love yourself.
What’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself in these situations? It’s not make yourself smaller to fit someone else’s idea. It’s not lie or hide or walk on eggshells to make someone else more comfortable or to accept you.
The most loving thing you can do for yourself is to accept yourself. To love yourself. To show up for yourself. To pay attention to how someone else is holding you or meeting you or seeing you, and to decide if that’s the standard that you would hold for yourself!
Which means, it’s your job to pay attention to how someone receives you and to decide if they are worthy of you and your presence and what you have to say.”
Because how someone else responds tells you everything:
Do they self-regulate?
Do they communicate?
Do they repair?
Do they get curious instead of reactive?
You are not responsible for managing anyone else’s thoughts.
But you are responsible for noticing whether their thoughts — and their handling of them — make them someone who is safe for you.
Because you are an adult now and your safety is YOUR responsibility. Not in the way of appeasing or fawning or people pleasing or managing perceptions. But in the way that when someone is not safe for you, you get to walk away.
So, how do we shift out of this pattern?
Here are the steps I walk clients through when they’re ready to step out of the proving posture:
1. Release the illusion of control
You can influence how you show up.
You cannot control how someone interprets you.
That was never your job.
2. Let people have their reactions
Someone having a feeling doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
It means they’re a human being in a moment of activation.
You don’t need to fix it.
3. Build discomfort tolerance
Expand your window of tolerance for discomfort. The next evolution of leadership isn’t about getting everyone to see you accurately.
It’s about staying grounded when they don’t.
4. Restore internal worth
When you believe your worth is inherent — not negotiated, not determined by someone else or their response to you — you stop performing.
You become the chooser, not the chosen.
5. Shift into discernment
Ask:
“Does this person have the relational skill and emotional stability to be in my inner circle?”
If the answer is no, it’s not a judgment — it’s information.
Information that tells you where your energy belongs. And you get to choose.
___
If you find yourself working overtime to manage how someone perceives you — pause.
Get still.
Ask yourself:
What part of me feels unsafe right now?
Whose reaction am I trying to control?
What would it feel like to let them have their opinion… and stay rooted in myself?
And most importantly — is this person someone who treats my energy like it’s precious?
Remember: You don’t have to convince the right people of your worth.
They recognize it instinctively.
Your work is to recognize your own worth so clearly that you no longer tolerate relationships that require performance over authenticity.
When you stop auditioning, you begin attracting people who don’t need a performance.
People who meet you with clarity, accountability, and emotional maturity.
People who are worthy of your energy.
And that — that’s where real intimacy and real leadership begins.
____
[OUTRO]
Thank you for being here for this Inner Briefing.
If this episode resonated, send it to someone who’s in the season of reclaiming their energy… or maybe needs permission to set down the performance.
And if you’re listening to this as a manager, a team lead, or an executive — and you’re realizing these patterns don’t just show up at home, they show up at work — this is exactly the kind of transformation I support my clients with.
My coaching is designed for leaders who want to communicate with clarity, navigate conflict without losing themselves, and build teams rooted in psychological safety and emotional maturity.
Leaders who are ready to step out of people-pleasing and into true presence and authority.
If you’re curious about working together — whether for 1:1 executive coaching or for your team — you’ll find an inquiry link in the show notes.
And as always, if you have a question or a story you want me to explore on the podcast, send it my way.
I’ll see you in the next episode.
